Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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