Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
