Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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