I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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