sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He shit in the fireplace
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