I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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