Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
