They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
