He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
