after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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