He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
