Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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