she woke up with a sticky ear
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
