I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
