I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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