so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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