So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
