My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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