Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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