i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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