just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
