Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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