you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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