Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
