His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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