were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
