i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
