There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
