Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
