I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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