I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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