I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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