She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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