Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
