I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
