In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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