Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
