My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
