There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
