I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
