Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
