girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
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The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
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What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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