Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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