And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
