He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
