Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
