Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
