you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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