I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
