he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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