Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
