I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
