Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
