if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Someone came in the potted fern
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
