he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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