I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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